NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________
If NO, please explain _________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ________________________________
If less than your age, explain ________________________________________
Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized tires?___________
A waterbed?_____________A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________
A condom?_______________Pornography?_______________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________
A tattoo?_____________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
___________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________________
Church you attend ______________________________________________________
How often you attend ___________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________ priest? _______________
mother? _____________ parole officer? _______
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
_____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
_____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
_____________________________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:
_____________________________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________
_________________________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________
Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
How do you know?_____________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT
POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try
to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want
to watch your back).
Have a nice day.